What Paladin and I have in our relationship is defined by us and changes as time moves forward and we (hopefully) mature and better ourselves. By better, I don’t mean material better. I’m talking about improving our behaviors, our understandings and being better people in the world and with one another.
Yes we are married. Yes we are the very best of friends. We are companions in life wherever this journey takes us. Along with Relationship comes Responsibility.
I am responsible for myself, for my own happiness and I have a responsibility to treat Paladin with love, respect and understanding. I do this from love. I love him to the very depths of my core as a human being and a spiritual creature. I love him like I love my next breath. It is a love that has only gotten deeper with time.
Honesty. Trust. Humor. Affection. Fidelity. Sex.
Every relationship has parts.
I’m not talking stereos or the Marines. I am talking about the heart. I am talking about love. I am talking about honoring whatever one has agreed to in a relationship. Many people see fidelity as never straying sexually in marriage. If that is what is agreed upon in the marriage then that would be true.
Paladin and I have a different agreement about sex in our relationship. We agree that it is fine for the other person to have sex with other people – but – there are some guidelines and one big Do Not Go There.
The guidelines are simple. 1. If one of us is going out to play with others the one not going needs to know the particulars. Where, who and possibly how long need to be emailed, messaged or phoned in before running off to play. 2. Use protection. Use condoms. No Exceptions. 3. Honoring a “NO”. This has never happened, but if one of us popped up and said “No, I don’t feel comfortable with you doing that.” all bets are off. No harm, no foul.
The Do Not Go There: What Fidelity means in our relationship is that we will not go looking for Love elsewhere. We agree that our hearts belong to one another. We are always true to one another. So what is sex in our relationship?
Basically I have 2 kinds of sex (I would say this is true for Paladin as well). One kind is purely recreational – it scratches an itch. There are no cuddles afterward, no hand holding, no kisses. I have sex with different males and when we’ve both had our Big O, I’m done. My relationship to those men is like my relationship to a car on a roller coaster – the ride was great, this is where I get off and go home. The sex I have with Paladin is different. Its deeper. It holds meaning. With Paladin, there are cuddles, caresses, kisses and hand holding.
While reading other blogs, other on-line journals of those who have the male chastity kink I often see a pattern that does not exist in the relationship I have with Paladin. There is a whole lot of topping from the bottom. There is a lot of whining. There are women who are really being turned into naughty mothers instead of strong partners. I see them as trapped. He gets what he wants or she never gets what she wants. I find this sad. Where is the fun? Where is the humor?
Sex is only part of a relationship. When it becomes the only part of a relationship that holds importance one is going to have some really unbalanced and unhappy days. This is true in a so called vanilla couple as well as a kinked up couple. Paladin and I are equals. Sex play is just that, sex play. Having that spill over into normal day to day life would be a disaster as far as I am concerned. So where does that male chastity device come in you might ask.
Think of a male chastity device as beautiful lingerie. He loves to wear it, I love seeing it on him. Does it add spice to or sex life? Yes. Do we have sex every day? No. Do we have the same kind of sex every time? No. Variety is a great thing when it comes to sex. It keeps things fresh and interesting. If Paladin wakes up tomorrow and says he no longer wishes to wear his cage it will no longer be worn by him. Which brings me to: Honor.
I use the word honor as a verb here. It means I respect and hold in great esteem my life partner. I admire his abilities, his big brain, his big heart and his resilience. I know we are fortunate to have found one another and I readily acknowledge that it has been work to bring us to this place in our relationship. How wonderful it is to reap the rewards of that work.
Honesty Trust and Humor
I kind of feel this cartoon says it all. Did you laugh? Are we not silly creatures, all of us?
We know what these words Honesty, Trust and Humor mean. We know how we should behave and how we should treat one another. When things go wrong, when we do bad things the only way forward is to admit our short comings, our mistakes and to apologize to our mate. When our mate asks for that forgiveness and has not made excuses for the bad behavior we should forgive and if we are able we should try to find some humor in it.